i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
did i just pee glitter
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
