Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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