12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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