I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
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