That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
