I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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