By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
