I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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