dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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