I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize