I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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