You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
