He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
