it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
