Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
