Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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