i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
