I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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