Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
