ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
