She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Dicks are not precious.
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