Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
