it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
