3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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