I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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