I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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