We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
