haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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