The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
