How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
