He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
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