We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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