Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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