Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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