well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
