Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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