I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
