the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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