i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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