he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
