Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
