No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
