Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
