just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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