theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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