I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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