So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
