My liver just broke up with me...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Randomize
