he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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