I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
