Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
