your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
