i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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