So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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