yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I stole a fireplace last night.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He? As in you personified your dick?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
