I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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