Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
