hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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